Lent Day 2: Discovery

One year is a big mark for me. You see, before I came to Morocco I had made a pact with myself that no matter what: if I was burning up in some dusty desert pit, if I was stuck in site with a site mate that drove me crazy, if my neighbors didn’t except me, if I was downright miserable, I would not go home until at least one year was over. At the end of the year, if I was still unhappy and consistently wanting to go home, I would take some time to seriously assess my situation and see if it was worth staying for another year.

So now we’re at a year. Going home is not at all in the picture and, aside from the moments of misery (though at times frequent) and the occasional awful feeling of disdain for this culture, I have been happy. As for feeling like I’m serving a purpose here, I spend a lot of time trying to pick that one apart. Socorra and Joe can attest to that. Sometimes I feel useful, much of the time I feel like I’m just biding my time, drinking tea and bullshitting until my two years are up and I can continue with my “real” life.

This feeling, just as I am, is changing and adapting to the circumstances. I mean, I am finally starting some projects. A year in. But that’s not what is important. What is important is that I’m learning to live with the fact that doing “official” activities, where I have to plan and organize, and “working” in a more official sense of the word is not what is giving me the most purpose here and probably wont ever be what gives me the most purpose. Drinking tea and bullshitting is not a way to pass time until the end, it is a means to that end. It is the purpose.

I suppose every volunteer who finds their service an overall success, aside from those who really do save starving African children, have to come to peace with this at some point, whether its during their service or after. I’m happy that I know this as truth here in the middle of my service. I am still working on it though. Every day I have to remind myself that it’s not about the projects at the school or starting associations. That’s just what I’m doing to kill time in between the tea and bullshitting.