Although it was warm today (in the 60s), the weather remains cold. Thanks to the meat thermometer sent to me for Christmas I have been able to see just how cold it actually has been getting. I like sounding tough about cold weather but, the temperatures are rarely as low as they feel. There have been a number of frosty mornings, but generally the coldest it gets is in the mid 40s. For those trying to survive the Minnesota winter, I know that you are probably longing for these sorts of balmy days, but hear me out on this (I still want to redeem my reputation of being able to withstand cold). It is almost always at least 5 degrees colder inside than out. There isn’t much chance of escaping the cold. It is everywhere and we do everything we normally would do, like typing this blog, in it. It’s a bit like going camping for 4 months in late fall.
After three weeks of vacation, life is starting to swing back into normalcy. I have gone back to sitting at the cafes hoping for the spark that will bring a random conversation into a full-blown fire of learning. I’m back to hazy meetings with people, after which I’m lucky to have understood half of what was said and done. Back to running in the mornings and not eating chocolate and drinking beer every day. Normalcy is nice and its easy to wrap myself back up in the comfort of it, but I’m now coming to grips with just how little I have gotten done here under its allure.
Every 3 months, each Peace Corps volunteer is supposed to fill out a report describing all work related activities done within the previous reporting period. It was easy to pass the first one off as a freebee. We had been in site for only a couple of months, and I was happy to report that I had not yet done anything of great significance. This second one felt different though. It forced me to rack my brain in pursuit of the smallest, most obscure memories of activities that I could possibly shape to seem like active work. Endless meetings and café bullshitting unfortunately don’t count.
Put into perspective, its not surprising or all that disappointing that I have done so little, but its easy to get lost in the success of others and feel below par compared with them. I know that comparison is a frivolous pursuit without end, but I suppose it is human nature. I have been doing it since I was a kid. When I got an A and someone else got an A+, I wasn’t happy. The competitive spirit seems never to have left me, and as a result I am left feeling behind and lacking.
As it did when I didn’t get the A+ and the other kid did, the perceived lack of success has materialized a new resolve to be more persistant and ambitious. I hope that, as a result, it will ignite the same feelings in the people I am trying to work with. Most of the projects’ successes depend on the success of the local people leading them, and, in turn, my success in this area is entirely dependent on it too.
My biggest fear is not that I wont finish a successful project. I will not have a problem if that happens, because, as I said, so much is independent of me and my own ambition. I came here, in part, to work as hard as I can, not only to help those I'm working with to be successful, but also to help myself be successful. And confident. In order for those things to happen I have to know that I am working as hard as I can. I am through with the sit-back-and-wait approach. It's time for some action!
That thermometer was supposed to be for beer making!
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